How To Be A Friend In Tough Times

How To Be A Friend in Tough Times

We all have weeks that seem to take away more than they give.

When, at the end of the week you look back, roll your eyes, and wonder how you ever survived.

Or more to the point, we refuse to even contemplate what next week might hold.

This last Sunday morning, there was a car accident that took the lives of two local men.  Men with families that adored them.  Men with their whole lives in front of them, filled with hopes and dreams.

The devastation is indescribable to their families.

But what we often overlook is the impact their passing has on their friends, coworkers, and acquaintances.

Yesterday I was talking with a close friend of mine who was obviously "off his game".  The more we talked, the more acutely aware I was that something was robbing his soul of peace and joy.  Eventually he let it slip that one of the men in the accident was a very close friend of his.  And being guys, we try to shrug grief off and attempt to "John Wayne" our way through it.  However, grief cannot be ignored, it demands to be faced.

My purpose for this blog is simply to encourage you to slow down, and be aware that many in our community this week are hurting.  

So what can you do for those struggling with grief?

I will give you my personal observations.  Bear in mind that every person grieves in their own way, in their own time.  However, a couple things are consistent.

First, you do not have to say anything.  There are no secret Jedi phrases that heal people's soul and bring sunshine to their day.  However, your presence SCREAMS to them that you consider them a priority and that you care enough to stop your schedule and give them as much time as they need.  This my friends, is simply priceless.  Your presence reveals to them that you love and care for them.

Second, you have to listen.  In my opinion, 90% of grief counseling is listening.  My point is, while the hurt soul is sharing whatever they are feeling or remembering or thinking.... do NOT spend that time contemplating what you are going to respond with. Instead,  Focus on what they are saying.  Be 100% with them.  Do NOT be afraid of long periods of silence.  You do NOT have to fill the silence with words.  They are searching their soul for meaning and reflecting -- its ok not to distract them.

Third, avoid shallow platitudes.  Religious people are often guilty of this.  I suspect it is 1/2 nervous energy and 1/2 out of feeling like we must provide answers -- so we begin muttering shallow fortune cookie one line sentences.  I catch myself doing this on occasion and mentally slap myself on the back of the head for being so insensitive.

Fourth, avoid saying, "If you need anything - give me a call".  WHY?  They are not going to call.  They know that if you really wanted to encourage them, you would show up with a casserole or a big sandwich from Mr. Sub.  Ask yourself this, "When you say that - are you making them feel better or making yourself feel better for reaching out to them?" My point?  Food is always welcome.  Go to Super 1 and grab a case of fried chicken and drop it off.  Trust me, for a moment, they will be overwhelmed by the gesture.

Fifth, and on this one, most of you will cringe but bear with me.  When you leave someone that is grieving, ask, "May I say a brief word of prayer with you?"  This may make you uncomfortable, but in essence you are offering to invite God into the room to provide comfort, perspective and strength.  I have never had anyone refuse this.  Face it, most people have more questions than answers about death so asking God to provide His love and care -- is welcome.

"Heavenly Father,
please give my friend strength, comfort and peace as he (she) walks through this terribly heartbreaking time.  We do not know why or what your plan is, but we know that you are good and will always bring about what is best in every situation.  So LORD, we thank you for every day he (she) had on this earth.  We know that everyday was a gift from you.  Please provide my friend rest and peace. I ask this in your Son's name, Amen"